A Tragic and Meaningful Story
by class.of.thirteen
Summary: Extreme crude humour. The true story of Dumbledore and his sex slave castle, AKA Hogwarts. Very short chapters. Really worth your while. Please review! One-word reviews also appreciated, heh.
1. Chapter 1

"Ah! Finally got rid of that bitch, Ariana. I couldn't have done it without you, Gellert! Oh, my sweetie..." Dumbledore smiled at his straight boyfriend, Grindewald. The wind was cold in the field where they were standing. Ariana's lifeless body lay…. lifeless on the grass. "Yes, yes, but can we go to Gringotts and get the elder wand already?" Grindewald screamed, but inside, he giggled nervously to himself, "Hee hee hee... Once I get the elder wand from DUMB-ledore's account, I'll kill him and I will be one step closer to being the master of death! No more getting reamed by Dumbledore just to get his trust!" "What was that, sweet cheeks?" Dumbledore asked his boyfriend and rubbed Grindewald's ass cheek. Grindewald wanted to crucio Dumbledore right there and then, but he just smiled and pushed his hand away. "Nothing, longdick, just imagining how much fun it would be to use the elder wand as a dildo." Right as Grindewald finished uttering those words, Dumbledore's eyes (and balls) bulged. He took Grindewald's hands in his and whispered into his neck, "lets apparate to Gringotts right now."


	2. Chapter 2

Just as they were about to apparate, a dark figure appeared in front of them. The tall figure turned around slowly, revealing the blue, thin face of a young man… with a huge nose. "Oh!" Dumbledore screamed like a deprived teenaged girl and clapped his two hands on his (face) cheeks. He let go of Grindewald at once and pranced to the blue man's side, holding his arm tight. "This man! He's even sexier than you, Gellert!" Dumbledore squealed and proceeded to suck his face. All this while, the blue man had been looking into the distance with a dazed look in his eyes. When he felt two wet lips attach to his face, he shook his head and stared at dumbledore in horror. "What the fuck is this…" the man started, but his mouth movements were quickly put to an end by Dumbledore's hand."I'm LEAVING YOU, Gellert!" Dumbledore said, as Grindewald frowned and dropped onto his knees. "W… w… what? After so many rape sessions… But the elder w… w…" teardrops clung onto the edge of his eyes. Suddenly, Grindewald apparated into his asshole. "AHHHH! AHHHHHH! WHAT THE GRYFFINDOR?" Dumbledore shouted, obviously in excruciating pain. Grindewald had, as a last resort in the name of vengeance, apparted his head into Dumbledore's rear cavity. Dumbledore unwillingly strangled Grindewald with his asshole and suffocated him to death.


	3. Chapter 3

After Dumbledore managed to get Grindewald's head out of his asshole, he quickly jumped in front of the blue man. "I want you right here, right now!" The young Dumbledore squealed in the blue man's face. The man's face twisted into a look of pure disgust and annoyance but said nothing. He was just about to walk away when Dumbledore conjured a non-dissaparating sphere around them and chains that tied the blue man spread eagle onto a bed. Dumbledore giggled and cried, "OH, HOW I LOVE MAGIC!" And proceeded to tear off the pale man's clothes. He desperately tried to reach for his wand that he had dropped right next to the bed. Dumbledore was almost collapsed in excitement before raping the noseless man for an hour and then collapsing in exuberance, leaving the man bleeding and crying helplessly. He was clutching his wand but had not been able to do anything as he could not aim the wand at Dumbledore. Finally, after a few minutes, the non-dissaparating sphere disintegrated and the man was allowed to dissaparate home.


	4. Chapter 4

18 years later…

Harry Potter was a slytherin boy who never knew his parents, but went out with the coolest guy at school, Draco Malfoy. Draco was only the coolest guy at school because he was a Malfoy, which is saying a lot of things already. However, Harry Potter was extremely poor and ugly, and had to hide these facts from Draco with much clever lying and a constant dose of polyjuice potion when he was around Draco. He took his polyjuice potion from his cousin, Dudley, who was an extremely dashing muggle. It was his last year at Hogwarts and he was still a virgin. Harry usually wondered if he was the only last-year that was still a virgin, because students there were encouraged to fuck. Dumbledore frequently visited the dorms of the various houses naked, causing the rather popular ones to dash into the nearest toilet to relieve himself through the mouth, or offering the rather desperate ones to have a chance to prove themselves. Harry was still a virgin because it would always take him more than an hour to come, and, of course, he couldn't sip polyjuice potion during sex, so he never took the risk of some one discovering out his ugly self. After all, Draco would definitely dump him in a second if he ever found out what an ugly little shit Harry actually was. Harry sat where he always sat in the great hall, next to Draco. Dumbledore quietened down the students and then asked for two volunteers to fuck in the middle of the hall, supported by a levitating charm while he continued his speech. Two willing males would be nice, he added. Harry chuckled to himself. Dumbledore always provided such a nice opening ceremony for the year ones. He remembered when he first entered the school. No one was proud enough to volunteer, so Dumbledore forced his slave, Professor Snape to rape Umbridge, the current squib janitor at the school. Not a very pretty sight, but amusing nonetheless. Snapping back into reality, Harry found Draco volunteering himself and Harry. He panicked. He had already finished his current supply of polyjuice potion half an hour ago! Dumbledore's speeches usually took a full hour! As Draco pulled Harry gently off the bench and the rest of the school cheered, Harry felt the colour drain from his face. What should he do?


	5. Chapter 5

Draco smiled and sucked at Harry's neck as Dumbledore's charm sent them rising into the air. He was scared, but he couldn't help but feel aroused by Draco's soft lips. "Ohhh… fuck," was the only two words he could muster, but it described his situation perfectly. Draco forced his crotch onto Harry's, rubbing his hips against the other Slytherin's. Harry could already feel his grotesque pimples rising through his skin. Luckily, Draco was too distracted to notice. Harry was almost definitely sure all his warts had grown back when a blood-curdling scream rang throughout the castle hall. An annoying nerd named Hermione was pointing at a blue figure strolling through the door. At once, everyone's attention was focused on the figure. "My my, _the Harry Potter! _Well, the wizarding world is definitely screwed." Harry sighed a breath of relief. Everyone knew who he was. He was Voldemort, the evil wizard who tried to take over the wizarding world about 18 years ago, but failed when he mysteriously vanished after 9 years of terror. Dumbledore stopped his speech and squinted at the pale man. "Its… you… I remember you…" Voldemort cackled a horrible laugh. "Yes. Me too. And I am here to kill Harry Potter, and… you. You ruined my life 18 years ago and I won't just let you go!" Harry and Dumbledore frowned in unison. "What did I do to you?" Dumbledore asked. Voldemort's face contorted into an awful expression of pure rage. "What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO? You fucking RAPED ME 18 YEARS AGO!" The whole hall erupted with laughter. Even the ghosts watching could not help but chuckle at what Voldemort just let slip out, but he ignored everyone. Voldemort turned to Harry with a hideous smile on his face. "Well, I have something important to tell you too, Harry."


	6. Chapter 6

"I am… your father." As Harry Potter realized what Voldemort had just confessed, his eyes bulged in disgust and fear while his stomach threatened to empty its contents onto the floor. "Actually," Voldemort continued, "I am your mother, considering Dumbledore was the one who raped me. That means Dumbledore is actually your mother. You see, I was a transsexual. I was biologically a female before. But now, I am a man. During my transition, I mysteriously apparated next to Dumbledore and some sort of sex-slave of his, and was then promptly raped by him." None of the words registered in Harry's head. The Dursleys, who he lived with, had always told him that his mother was an ox and his father was a bitch. The mere fact that his parents were actually _human _shocked his soul to the core. Harry felt a rattling inside his chest and started to tremble. He fell to his knees, although still suspended by the charm, in the middle of the Great Hall. He gripped his hair while his vision blurred with tears pooling in his eyes. "WHAT? YOU MEAN… ALL THIS TIME… MY PARENTS ARE HUMAN?" He lost control and started wailing uncontrollably, burying his face into Draco's collarbone. Draco, quite disgusted by the abnormally high flow of bodily liquids around him, still did not notice Harry's current complexion. He patted Harry on the back awkwardly, never having to comfort a distraught person before. "Um… You're not concerned that your mother is Lord Voldemort?" Draco whispered to Harry, but he was too busy with sobbing to hear him. Draco frowned, then sighed. He looked around him. Everyone was staring at Harry but quite a few were starting to get bored. Voldemort was having small talk with Snape. Dumbledore was looking around nervously, afraid that his "Opening Ceremony" was going to be a failure. That was the last thing he wanted. Hogwarts was known for its opening ceremony. Some muggles even joined the school just to watch its opening ceremony! He had to do something quick. Dumbledore gripped his wizard robe tightly and ripped it apart forcefully. Everyone's attention was suddenly fixated on Dumbledore's naked chest. "LETS GET A PARTY STARTED!"


	7. Chapter 7

Dumbledore, being only 37 years old at the moment, was still quite sexy. In the great hall, the girls sighed a bit and the boys stared in envy. Dumbledore's rock-hard abs were well defined as if Merlin himself had chiseled them with his wand. His amazingly sexy pectorals were like rectangular blocks of frozen milk, with a little pink nub on each flat boob. His slave, Snape was too busy chatting with Voldemort to turn on the cued music like he was supposed to each year. Dumbledore, still in a victory pose with his newly ripped apart robes bunched in each fist, tried to mouth "turn the fucking music on" to Snape. After ten seconds, Snape finally got the not-so-subtle hint. With a flick of his wand, wizard pop boomed throughout the hall and disco lights flashed. The students cheered excitedly.

_"I want your crucio,_

_I want your white potion_

_Want your dementor's kiss, ready the lotion,_

_I want your wand, wand wand wand I want your wand."_

The pop singer, Lady Gryffindor's voice reverberated in the hall. The students got up and started grinding their partners while the teachers grinned at each other awkwardly. Professor Trelawney eyed Professor Flitwick and without a second's delay, his tongue was down her throat and her hand down his pants. Umbridge, as usual, was being raped aggressively by a male teacher. This time, it was Hagrid… Ouch. Most of the time, the students wondered what she was doing at Hogwarts at all. No one knew what class she taught, as she rarely had time to show up in classrooms. She was usually spotted wandering the castle with messy hair and her dirty pink dress that she never got the chance to change out of and a deranged, distant look etched on her face, or being raped by a living thing. Not that she was sexy. It was because she was free. Anyway, Dumbledore was flexing his eyebrows and pectorals to the beat of the music, aiming his hard nipples in Voldemort's direction. Voldemort allowed his face to display a disturbed expression before remembering what he was here for - to kill Harry and Dumbledore! He whipped out his wand (yes, the one WITH phoenix feather) and aimed it at Dumbledore. Dumbledore flexibly snatched the wand away from Voldemort, whispering in his ear, "Why, I have your hard, long, woody… stick in my hands." His hot breath warmed Voldemort's ice-cold neck. "Do you seriously expect me to be turned on by a man that raped me?" Voldemort spat. Meanwhile, Draco was grinding his groin into Harry's hipbone while the chosen one was turning into grotesquely shaped beast. Warts rose from his skin as huge pimples erupted around his face. Fat disfigured his body and his features shifted around his head. When Draco realized his boyfriend's hip was becoming more and more pudgy, he looked down and realized he was actually humping an ugly fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

"Someone look up there!"

"What is Draco Malfoy doing humping that disgusting ogre?"

"Oh, Harry's going to be mad!"

"GARWWWRLGH!" Harry said. The music zipped to a stop. Everyone's eyes focused on the floating ogre in the air as Malfoy casted a priori incantatem on himself and floated back to the floor. "Ew," Voldemort exclaimed. Snape nodded in agreement. Harry covered his face in shame. "Ohgharrrsh," he moaned. Luckily no one knew the ogre-looking thing was actually Harry. He took out his wand and tried to cast a spell with his grotesquely oversized hand. He slipped and ended up turning Voldemort into a giant dick. "OHHHHHHHHHH!" Dumbledore gasped. His tongue promptly flew to the Voldemort's head and licked maniacally. Voldemort blinked. "Muh," he blubbered, still not coming to terms with his new physical form. His arms vanished, leaving his fingers wriggling helplessly at his side and his toes wriggling underneath him. Slowly, he lost his balance and fell to the floor powerlessly. All the students laughed. Dumbledore, however, was so excited he ripped all his clothes off. His face was as red as the rubies on gryffindor's sword. He got on all fours and humped the cylindric Voldemort like a sex-starved dog. The students expressed their disgust. When Dumbledore felt that it was not doing it for him, he pushed his asshole against the tip of Voldemort's head. Voldemort yelled as he slowly fitted into Dumbledore's inner caverns. Meanwhile, Harry was trying to get a hold of his tiny wand. "Oh shit," He sighed as the wand slipped out of his hand again. When he looked to see where it had gone, he found the brown stick stuck between Hermione's tits. Harry cursed silently and reached for his wand. Unfortunately, he missed. His pudgy fingers pushed Hermione's boobs together and the wand flew into the air, casting a spell casted by Hermione's boobs at Voldemort. It turned the noseless man back to normal. An ear-piercing scream was heard immediately, because Voldemort was being smothered by Dumbledore's colons. "Die! Die! Die!" The students began to chant. Except for the Slytherins, who rushed to Voldemort's aid. Goyle grabbed Voldemort's torso while bending over him. He forgot that he was hiding an erection from fantasizing about Crabbe, accidentally raping Voldemort's asshole. "Mmmh! Mmhh!" Came Voldemort's muffled cries. He started crying. The rest of the students laughed and wondered why the evil overlord had not suffocated to death yet. As his tears lubricated Dumbledore's anus, Voldemort's head finally popped out of the tiny passage, accompanied by a huge fart. The non-Slytherins all gave a disappointed groan and returned to their places. Suddenly, McGonagall stood up, hitting her glass with a spoon. When the students finally quietened down, the glass was already reduced to tiny glass shards. "Normality shall be restored," she declared, raising her wand into the air. "Stupefy!" Fred or George yelled. McGonagall fell to the floor with a shocked expression. The Weasley twins hi-fived each other as everyone cheered again. Dumbledore, unfazed by everything, reached for a spoon and crushed a glass with a flamboyantly hard tap. "CONTINUE THE PARTAYYYYY!" He roared. The music came back on again. Voldemort was trying to rid his face of shit on the carpet, groaning softly in deranged disgust. The Slytherins looked on pitifully. The party went on for a few seconds before a hippogriff wearing nothing but a thong crashed into the castle. "BUCKBEAK!" Hagrid screamed, abandoning Umbridge and running towards his one true love with salty tears trailing behind him. He ripped the offending thong off with his bare teeth, devouring the pink fabric in one swallow.


	9. Chapter 9

Everyone's stomach turned at what happened next between the two non-humans, so I'll leave Hagrid and Buckbeak's exciting escapade to your imagination. "I declare this party to be a legal underage orgy!" Dumbledore shouted, conjuring a disco ball spraying love potion all over the hall. For the first time in history, Slytherins gazed lovingly at Gryffindors and Ravenclaws actually put down their homework. Hermione transformed into a naked Emma Watson, prompting a hormone-induced seizure in approximately 95 boys. She lay on the table and decorated her milky skin with the food. Like bees to honey, she was instantly covered by a great number of lustful tongues. Ginny nibbled on her lip in jealousy. She looked around to find a partner to dirty dance with. Fred and George were getting it on (no surprise there), Dumbledore was spreading butter on his nipples, Filch and Mrs. Norris were inviting Umbridge for a threesome, Voldemort was texting his death eaters for backup, Longbottom was inserting Trevor's tongue into his mouth, Harry was rolling on the floor, Ron was looking for knuts on the floor, and Draco was facepalming while Pansy threw herself at him with enough enthusiasm to make a hooker in poverty sob with envy. Ginny found a strange black diary on the table and sighed, "I guess it's just you and me…" She flipped it open to the first page. "Tom Marvolo Riddle," she read. "Oh well." She shrugged, rolled the book into a cylinder and thrust it in where the sun don't shine. A few metres away, Voldemort could feel his soul being violated. He shuddered in unease as he thought through his list of horcruxes. "The diary…?" Mr. Evil Incarnate clutched his side in pain. "Oh, the diary," He cried. "Accio diary!" And Ginny was left by herself again.


	10. Chapter 10

A glass was crushed under the undulating force of a spoon, held in Dumbledore's hand. "Everybody," he bellowed. "Listen, everybody! General Lamarque is dead! The opening ceremony will be over in approximately 24 seconds. Classes will commence in about er… now!" The naughty, naughty children groaned and put their clothes back on reluctantly. Emma Watson transformed back into little Hermione. "Wait! How about Voldemort?" Hermione asked. The whole school turned to her and in unison, spat, "Will you shut up? Seriously! Such a teacher's pet!"

But the plot hole was simply resolved as such: determined to fulfill the prophecy, Harry managed to get his troll-like fingers to cooperate and grip his wand between his thumb and forefinger. "Firearmcus Produco!" He grunted. A type 69 85mm rocket propelled grenade materialized in his gargantuan arms. Harry fired a shot at his mother and concluded what 7 books amounted to in this paragraph. His death eaters, met with the death of their oppressive dear leader, died shortly of relief.

The students gathered their books and parchment, then hurried to their classes. Harry the Grotesque hobbled behind the ice prince. "All this time! Why didn't you tell me, Harry?" Draco asked brusquely. "Wonktnodi…" Harry mumbled in shame. Draco turned around to confront his boyfriend, but due to a wave of nausea, had to turn away immediately with his hands plastered over his lips. He had no idea whether to laugh or cry. Harry attempted to balance a warty finger on the blond's shoulder without crushing him but was shrugged off immediately. "Don't touch me!" Draco screeched. However, they had already reached the classroom. They parted ways to sit with their respective friends.

The first lesson was Dark Arts. Snape was their teacher, and it was his first day on his dream job. An out-of-character twinkle in his eye manifested as he declared that they would be dealing with boggarts that day. "And as Dumbledore conveniently has a boggart infestation in his colon, we shall attempt to kill two birds with one stone and subdue the parasitic creature together. Do not be alarmed when it takes on the form of your most erotic sexual fantasy. Just remember to cast the Riddikulus charm and it will simply turn into a sex toy for you to relieve yourself," He finished. With that, Dumbledore presented himself into the room. A little fanfare he composed heralded his entrance.

_Who slew the hungarian horntail while his wand was up his ass?_

_It's Dumbledore!_

_Who's the headmaster who's hole is loose and vast?_

_It's Dumbledore!_

_Who slept with Voldemort and lived to tell the tale?_

_It's Dumbledore! _

Who, when it comes to sexual advances, never fails?

It's Dumbledore!

The man himself swaggered into the classroom. Oblivious to the various looks of repugnance, he motioned for the nonexistent applause to come to an end. "Thank you, thank you, everyone. Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for…" Dumbledore turned and faced his ass towards the room of students. He hiked his robe upwards as the children traipsed into a queue behind him. Using his two hands, Dumbledore opened his much-revealed chamber of 'secrets'. It was nothing the students had never seen before. With an air of nonchalance masking his anxiety, Longbottom, first in line, faced the boggart. It rose out of the depths of Dumbledore's asshole and transformed into a sexy little mandrake lounging on a couch like a french girl, naked but for an exquisite necklace strung around it's tasteful neck. "Not bad," Professor Sprout, happening to walk by, commented. Mistaking the herbology professor for the boggart, Neville casted the Riddikulus charm on her. She turned into a blow-up doll, never to be seen again. Neville, red-faced, hurried away to the nearest bathroom with the doll clutched in his arms.

Next in line, Draco stepped up. The boggart quickly took on the form of a hippogriff pissing on his face. The boy gasped in pleasure and began palming his erection. "Malfoy! As you are my favourite student, I hereby give you permission to enjoy this boggart presently." The other students groaned at this blatant display of favouritism, but nothing could be done. After 20 minutes of Malfoy forcing despicable acts unto the hippogriff, the students spent another witnessing an impatient Hagrid having his turn.

Finally, the next person could try on the boggart. Hermione, confident as always, stood in front of the creature. It took on the form of Viktor Krum getting it on with a broomstick. "OH!" She moaned, her hands wandering under her skirt. "Granger! How dare you! You little fucking mudblood!" Snape spat. Even Draco cringed slightly, but Snape remained unfazed by what he just let slip out of his mouth. "No wonder you are unable to pass this assignment; you are a filthy mudblood." Sobbing, Hermione burried her face in her hands and ran out of the room.

"Who's next?" Snape bellowed. Harry stepped up. The boggart quickly transformed into Emma Watson in a Burberry ad. This confused a few of the students, who tried to cast the Riddikulus charm on it all at once. The boggart died. "Class dismissed," Snape announced. "But I haven't even got my turn yet," Ron whined, but nobody cared.


End file.
